An exercise in thankfulness

For many reasons, 29 has not been my favourite age. This year has been really hard on me and my family. If I'm honest, I'm probably a good deal of what's been hard on my family. Health complications, job transitions, a new house and a toddler who has found his will -- I have felt just drained and kind of lifeless for much of the past year.

And that list of the tough things, I think about it often. I hate feeling so down and knowing I'm bringing others down, but I'll often play through the list of things that are tough in my life. It certainly doesn't make me feel better, but it does make me feel justified in my self-pity.

I've talked about pieces of this with different people, those who have gone through some of the same problems or those whose opinion I value and there has been a recurring theme of advice. "Yeah, that's tough and it might not seem like it, but you'll get through it. What if you started dwelling on the good things instead of the bad?"

I got no quick and easy solutions, no "well here's what I did and I was better after a week." These aren't those kinds of problems. But maybe they've got something there. What if I changed the way I dealt with these struggles? Even if the bad things don't go away, can I choose to focus on the good?

I'd like to think so.

And I have to admit, my attitude is probably the biggest problem of all. It's why no matter how many empathetic conversations I have, how much my husband dotes on me and how many wonderful little hugs I get from my toddler, I have had trouble feeling happy.

So, maybe I should actually take some of that advice. To be more of the person I want to be and less of the person I feel like. Feelings follow actions I've been told. In that spirit, here are some of the things I'm thankful for, despite any other circumstances. (in no particular order)

• My unfailingly patient husband
• My caring (if emotionally precarious) toddler
• Awesome parents and in-laws (and other immediate family)
• Overall pretty good health
• A new house we love
• A steady job
• The ability to allow AJ enrol in school and chase his dream
• Good friends who talk me through darkness and know how to make me smile, even through faraway texts
• A church our whole family loves
• Nachos
• Summer and sunshine
• Events to plan
• No major debt
• So many nice things we own
• Time spent reading
• A God who waits for me to come back
• Enough (often more than enough) food to eat
• Date nights
• Sleep
• A list that could go on and on

Making a list like that certainly feels a lot better than listing what's going wrong. And this list is much longer too. I'm still praying and working toward solutions to all those other problems, but in the meantime, I'd really like to just enjoy what's in front of me. Because it's a lot of really great stuff.

30 by 30 Update

It's 2014, the year I turn 30. Crazy. But I'm in good company. Here are some other things that turn 30 this year:

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Tetris
• The Cosby Show
• The Mac
• TED (that one's for AJ)
• Transformers
• The Karate Kid
• Footloose
• Muppet Babies
• Ghostbusters

Not bad.

In 2010, I set myself a list of goals. 30 things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 30. Now that I've only got about 6 months left, I should probably see what kind of work I've got left to do. Here's what I had left as of my last update. You can see the full list here.

Serve at a soup kitchen at Christmastime – not a soup kitchen, but I did man a Salvation Army kettle and spend a few hours cleaning bathrooms and sorting foot at the Food Bank

Take a wine tour – AJ took me to Johnson's Cranberry marsh last year for geocaching and wine

Bungee jump – Not yet. Not sure if this will happen this year.

Road trip down the California coast – Yes! It was awesome.

Scuba dive – Nope, hopefully next vacation will be a tropical destination. Also, probably not this year.

Go on a short term missions trip with AJ – This is probably on hold until our child(ren - to be soon we hope) are a little older

Weigh 160 – yeah...no

Read the favourite book of at least one friend each year – This has been fun. I actually did several a year and am going to do at least one more in 2014.

Spend New Year’s downtown in a big city – Too late for this year, add it to the 40 by 40 list.

Learn to drive stick (better) – I haven't practised in a while. This is definitely do-able before the end of July.

Recover the dining room chairs – This is just me being lazy. It can be done.

Be in a play – I would still love to, but I don't think I have the time margin right now. 40 by 40.

So I have 8 left, 2 of which are likely to still happen. 24/30 ain't bad right?

I'm going to have to start thinking about that 40 by 40 list. If you have any suggestions, send them my way!

A Really Honest Look at 2013

2013 is not going to make my top 10 life list anytime soon. In fact, it probably won't even make the Top 25 and I'm only 29 years old. The goal with this post is not to gain sympathy or whine about how awful my life is, but I want to reflect on a year that leaves me discouraged and frustrated and remind myself of the good. And hopefully, see what I can do differently in 2014.

The year didn't start off great. My grandpa passed away early in the year. It was hard to lose him, but even harder to see my dad go through losing his dad. I also developed psoriasis on my scalp early in the year, which is sometimes painful, always itchy and makes it nearly impossible to wear dark colours. I've seen the dermatologist several times and have gone through a number of treatments. At this point, it's better than it was, but still not gone.

One positive did come from sadness - my grandpa left me a bit of money in his will, so AJ and I decided to take a vacation we've been dreaming about for years. We spent most of the rest of the first half of 2013 planning our California road trip.

We took the trip in June. Two weeks child-free, driving around that beautiful state and checking a ton of things off our bucket lists. You can read about the trip here. It was amazing and refreshing and so good for us as a couple. It was absolutely the highlight of the year.

About a month after we got back from the trip, we found out I was pregnant with our second child! The timing wasn't quite in my master plan, but we were both so excited to give Kai a sibling. Like last time, we decided to keep it secret until 12 weeks, telling only a 1 or 2 close friends because we (ok I) couldn't contain our excitement. At the 11 week mark, I knew something was wrong. There was some bleeding and I felt really off. A friend who already knew about the pregnancy came to our rescue and watched Kai while we went to the hospital. Things progressed quickly, and not in a good way. And as you can guess, since I'm not currently 6 months pregnant, I had a miscarriage.

This has been one of the hardest things I've ever been through. When you find out you're pregnant, your whole world changes. And suddenly, it was all changing back. AJ was wonderful and strong and having a healthy son at home certainly helped, but, honestly, I'm still not over it. And it hasn't helped that everyone I know (not quite literally, but almost) is pregnant. I really believe that God works out all things for good and through this I have learned how great a husband and friend I have. We're praying that 2014 will be the year Kai gets a brother or sister.

At work, it's been a good year. I got a promotion and new job title earlier in the year. More responsibility and a new boss and I started really getting to use my marketing skills and knowledge, not just writing, which was exciting. When my boss left on maternity leave, things got a bit sketchy. My new boss was the VP and it took some time to get used to working for him. Plus, I hadn't really gotten to know the department well enough to run it on my own. For about a month, I wasn't sure I was going to make it. But slowly, I figured out the job and figured out my new boss and I really think I've become an asset to the team. It feels good.

Aside from Kyler, 2013 has not been a year of health. My skin issues continue, but AJ also is working on overcoming some back problems and then there's the dog. Oh the dog. She had a herniated disc in August, which resulted in about 6 weeks of expensive drugs that paralyzed her from the waist down, making walking and going the bathroom outside impossible. The walking has gotten better, the using the bathroom hasn't and we are overwhelmed with frustration and unsure what to do with her. I don't know how this will be resolved, but something needs to happen soon.

When AJ and I moved to Angus, we chose this town so that AJ could get on the volunteer fire department. In the fall of this year, we found out that they are not planning on hiring anyone for at least 3 more years. It's nice of them to tell us now, after 3 years of AJ visiting the hall every month. So we had to step back and decide if this was something worth pursuing. We decided it is and we need to go all in. So we organized the house and put it up for sale, with nowhere to go. It sold in less than 12 hours. This is a huge blessing, especially since we didn't expect anything to happen so close to Christmas. At the same time, AJ had interviews with Innisfil to get on as a volunteer there. We still don't know the result of that interview, but we've taken the step of faith and are moving in February no matter what.

I had big plans, like most people do, to get in shape in 2013. I started running in the spring and did well on again and off again. After the miscarriage, it was off again and hasn't returned. This is something I can control (thank goodness!). I'm not setting a weight loss goal or anything like that, but I'm really trying to get my head around the fact that being healthier isn't optional - it's necessary - for my energy levels, my mood, my ability to play with my kid. I think if I can change my mindset, I'll feel less guilty and apathetic. That's the plan anyway.

There was another health scare right before Christmas too, that I won't go into detail about, but I heard back from the doctor on Christmas Eve (bless him for not making me wait through Christmas), and everything is fine, so I can put that behind me at least.

I have most definitely not been at my happiest in 2013. Truly, we've had some struggles that were out of our control, but, looking back, I think the biggest thing for me to make 2014 better is a change in mindset. I've let things bother me too much, ruin my plans, justify zoning out on the couch. Whatever happens with houses, jobs, kids, I'd really like to make 2014 the year that I find joy. I'll be 30 this year and that scares me a bit, but I think it could also be really good.

I'm saying goodbye to 2013 feeling low. But I think I can do better.

Doing her job

We've had our dog Snax for just over 6 years now and we love her. She is also very good at her job. Oh, does your dog not have a job? Snax's job is to greet us when we get home and make us feel welcome. And she is awesome at this.

As a cockapoo, she is prone to ear infections, so we've dealt with that a few times over the years. But this month has been the toughest yet.

A few weeks ago she had some bowel problems and had to be put on a low dosage of steroids and wear underwear so she didn't draw her bum around and irritate things. Poor AJ had to measure her and go out and buy children's underwear in her size. He then sent me this picture, which caused me to burst out laughing in the middle of work.

Not so happy with this look

The drugs have helped immensely and she was underwear free.

This week, we found her shaking in the front hall and she cried when we tried to touch her. Back into the vet we went and he believes she has a displaced disc in her spine, totally unrelated to the injury from the week before. Poor dog can't even walk without pain.

Now she's on a high dose of steroids, which has totally taken away the pain, but leaves her bottom half without feeling, so she has no use of her back legs and can't control her bowels. So now we're moving backwards to underwear.

2 diapered kids in the house right now

She's actually a lot more comfortable now than when she was going to the bathroom accidentally all over the house. And so are we. She "walks" very little because she can only drag her back end around, but she's in good spirits and she still wants to be with us so we carry her from room to room.

Poor little legs

Hopefully after another week on these meds, the inflammation will have gone down and she'll go off the drugs so she can regain feeling and walk again without too much pain.

Last night I was out late at a concert so AJ put her in her bed upstairs. When I came home she was waiting for me by the front door. How she got down the stairs with no back legs I have no idea, but she was determined to do her job and I felt more welcomed than ever.

Like I said, Snax is very good at her job. I hope I can be as good at my role in the family as she is at hers.

California Adventure – Part 5: Surfing & San Diego

This June, AJ and I had the opportunity to take our first trip together since before Kai was born so we decided to go big and do 2 weeks in California! We planned a jam-packed trip that would let us see nearly everything Cali has to offer - the road trip of a lifetime. If you missed it, you can check out Part 4: San Francisco & the Coast here.

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Our trip is now coming to an end, with just 3 days left. At this point, we were really missing Kai and felt like we'd been gone quite a long time. But he was having fun and in good hands and we were very excited for the next 3 days.

June 11 was our designated beach day. We were able to sleep in a bit and then headed to Oceanside for our 2-hour surf lessons. AJ was beyond pumped to try surfing. He's been watching surf movies for years and loves almost any water sport – Stand-up Paddleboarding, Wakeboarding, Skimboarding. So this was really his day and I was along for the ride, a little nervously. I'm not great at any of those sports and I wasn't looking forward to falling lots, swallowing lots of water and getting pummelled by waves.

Our instructor was Hoku, born in Hawaii and bred by California–a surfer dude for sure. The first thing he taught us was the Stingray Shuffle so we didn't get stung. Not good for my confidence. He assured us he had only been stung once in 13 years. Next, we practised popping up on the boards on shore. And then we were heading into the water. It was a little overcast, but not cold. We had wetsuits and the water was about 68ºF, which was pretty refreshing.

Hoku pretty much had us going right away. We were only in thigh to waist deep water so we hopped on the board and paddled a bit through the waves until Hoku saw one he liked. He helped us turn around and gave us a good shove at the right time. AJ was a natural. He was up pretty much right away. We weren't in big waves of course, so there wasn't a lot of carving he could do, but he rode most waves all the way in. So proud. I had a bit of a tougher time getting up. But I did get up and ride for a bit 2 or 3 times which I was very happy about. Also, I swallowed very little water and, because we were in so shallow, when I fell, I could just stand up and out of the waves and not worry about getting hit over and over. All my anxiety was gone after the first few minutes and that was awesome. I ended up really enjoying myself and I would even try it again. I would probably prepare better by doing more push-ups ahead of time. We were wiped, but happy, by the end of the 2 hours.

We stayed on the beach for a little while and then headed back to Mission Viejo for dinner with Paula and Shoubert. We went out with their family for Taco Tuesday, which is apparently a very big deal there. All over California, restaurants offer tacos for $1.50 on Tuesdays. Not just one chain, but restaurants everywhere, whether they're Mexican or not. We did choose an authentic Mexican restaurant and dinner was fantastic. Can't beat $1.50 tacos.

The next day we said goodbye to Paula and Shoubert for the last time this trip and headed to San Diego. First stop was the San Diego Padres afternoon game vs. the Braves. Petco Park really impressed us. It had a really cool vibe, with an old warehouse built right into the stadium. There was a pathway on the outside of the actual park with a bunch of yummy food vendors at The Park in the Park, which had a big grassy hill that looked over the outfield. You can by cheap tickets and sit on the hill, which seems great for families. There is also a mini replica diamond with a staff member that runs a game for kids all game long. Really cool. We ended up sitting in the front section, just passed 1st base with a bunch of season ticket holders. It reminded me of Fever Pitch. These people knew each other and were very excited. Padres won and we enjoyed a sunshine-filled afternoon of baseball.

After the game, we did a self-guided walking tour of the Gaslamp District, which is an older part of town with great architecture. We learned that basically every building used to be a brothel. It was an interesting and enjoyable walk.

We went for dinner and sunset on Coronado Island, which is a big vacation/beach destination. We ate at an old Firehouse turned pub that was playing the hockey playoffs that people were actually paying attention to. Perfect place for a couple Canadians. We walked along the beach, checking out the famous Coronado Hotel at sunset and waiting for it to get dark because the hotel is supposed to have some incredible lights. Although it was nice, the lighting wasn't terribly impressive. Turns out all the photos I've ever seen are from Christmas. Oh well.

The view of San Diego from the Island

We stayed that night with another couple we met through the couchsurfing website. They had recently moved to San Diego as the guy is in the Navy. We did get to meet this couple and went for a late night walk as they told us a bit about the Navy and the city. The next morning we went for breakfast with Nick because Kristen had to work very earl. He talked a lot of American history and politics and gun control and all the hot button issues. It was very interesting to hear an American's perspective and he was quite knowledgable.

He left for work and we drove out to the USS Midway and aircraft carrier that is now a museum. The audio tour took about 3 hours, which was a little long for me, but it was very interesting. You really got to see how the crew lived and work and got up closed with lots of cool planes. AJ was in heaven. He saw a couple planes from Top Gun and was very excited about that.

In front of the USS Midway

Trying his hand at some essential knots

Pilot and copilot

Ready for take-off. Unbelievable they can launch an
aircraft from a ship.

We had lunch in La Jolla, walked around and went to the beach quickly. We'd like to be able to spend a little more time there one day, it was really nice. Then we went to Balboa Park, which I didn't research much but heard was nice. We started in just a regular playground that was nice, but pretty normal. Eventually we walked further and found that the park goes on forever. There are all kinds of museums - many for free - tons of gorgeous Spanish architecture, fountains, even a replica Globe Theatre that shows Shakespeare plays. We were so impressed and disappointed that we only had about 2 hours before our flight. Balboa is also home to the San Diego Zoo, which we didn't make it too either.

Church in La Jolla

Beautiful Balboa Park

We found AJ some more fish tacos (maybe his 5th on the trip) before dropping off our rental car and heading to the airport for our red eye flight home. We were able to sleep on the flight and got through the border without issue. Kai was waiting for us at AJ's parents place and it was so good to see him! I was struck by how much he had changed in just 2 weeks. Not physically, but is speaking even longer sentences than when we left and he just seemed older.

California was a Bucket List trip for sure. We saw so much in a short time. It was amazing to get away alone with AJ, take some time off work and just explore. We both agreed that we'd like to go back one day and spend a full week just in San Diego, probably with Kai and see more of Balboa Park, visit the Zoo, Old San Diego and lots of other things we just couldn't fit in. Thank you to everyone who made this trip possible!

Our journey highlighted in pink

California Adventure – Part 4: San Francisco & the Coast

This June, AJ and I had the opportunity to take our first trip together since before Kai was born so we decided to go big and do 2 weeks in California! We planned a jam-packed trip that would let us see nearly everything Cali has to offer - the road trip of a lifetime. If you missed it, you can check out Part 3: Yosemite National Park here.

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We woke up at our Yosemite hostel early and quite sore after that big hike, but it was time to move on. It was San Francisco day! On our way west, we had planned to meet up for breakfast with an old friend of mine who now lives in Merced. Wouldn't you know, the GPS took us to the wrong restaurant location and we ended up being almost an hour late to breakfast by the time we found the right one. But it was great to sit and chat with Tim and his family and we left still on track to make the ferry to Alcatraz on time.

San Francisco traffic had another idea. The Bay Bridge crossing was brutal and we ended up missing our ferry by about 10 minutes. I was pretty upset because I know they always sell out and the tickets aren't cheap. When we asked the girl at the counter what she could do for us, she didn't even flinch and put us on standby for the next ferry. I guess missing your boat isn't an unusual occurrence because there were 10 other people in line and all of us were able to get on the next Ferry. Phew!

Alcatraz Island

It was AJ's first time on The Rock, but my second. We got the audio tour and walked around and I enjoyed it just as much as the first time. (It was 9 years ago after all) They also had a guided tour you could do for free, but only at certain times, but we opted not to wait the extra 45 minutes. I kind of wish we had - those people got to go up to the second level and work the contraption that opens and closes the cell doors. Maybe next time.

No taking prisoners off the island, ok?

"Broadway"

The view back to San Fran

Our ferry ride back to shore was VERY choppy, unusually so according to one of the crew members. A bunch of pre-teen girls were up at the bow taking photos and giggling and the boat hit a huge wave and totally soaked them. This may have amused us more than it should have.

We had dinner at Neptune's seafood restaurant at Pier 39 which we had a gift certificate for. Great views of the water and sea lions. The food was just ok. We did a bit of souvenir shopping at the pier and then found our way to Creme Bruce, a little food stand that just serves crème brulée. Yum!

Lazy sea lions

San Fran (well, technically Berkeley) was one of two couchsurfing stops we made. If you've never heard of it, it's a traveler's site where people offer up their homes for travellers to stay in for free.  Sometime they have a bed in a separate room, sometimes a couch or air mattress. We chose these people specifically because they had a bed in a separate room and they even offered to make us waffles for breakfast.

They weren't home when we arrived around 8pm. I texted her and she said they were in San Fran and wouldn't be home until 11. We were pretty tired so we said we'd see them in the morning. We got up early and got ready so we could spend some time with our hosts before we had to go. By 8am there was no sign of movement from their room, 9am, nothing. Finally at 9:20, we decided we couldn't just wait around, we had lots planned and had no idea when they might get up. So we left them a thank you note and a host gift (maple syrup and Twinkies from Canada of course) and left. That's not really the point of couchsurfing, we did want to meet them, but it just didn't work out for us.

It was time to head down the coast. We drove through San Jose and up a bit to Palo Alto and then Santa Cruz. If you read my other blog posts, you may remember a girl I mentioned who we met at the Phoenix airport who suggested we go to a climbing tree (Tree 9) at UC Santa Cruz. So we drove to the campus and followed some online instruction to find the tree. They weren't very clear and I ended up using my Geocaching app to lead us there. (I figured there would probably be a geocache at a landmark like that on a university campus) We found the tree! But...

Tree 9 – UC Santa Cruz

Apparently in 2010 the University's arborists cut the branches off up to 25 feet so people wouldn't climb it and the tree would live longer. Disappointing. But you can see that it would be really easy to climb had the branches been there.

We also did the Santa Cruz boardwalk while we were there. It was overcast and cold so we didn't say long. We continued south to our only hotel of the trip in Monterey. We used our Petro Points to splurge on this one. It was more of a boutique hotel, but the room was nice - King size bed, jacuzzi tub, fireplace, even a bidet! (I did not try out that feature) We had a complimentary glass of wine and walked down to their pier for some dinner on the water. I had a very yummy coconut crusted tilapia and AJ tried a local fish, sandabs.

Santa Cruz boardwalk – one of the largest in America

Our hotel room – tub right in the bedroom and a chandellier

The next day was our second big drive of the trip, all the way down the coast, back to Mission Viejo and our friends' house. We kicked the day off with the 17-mile drive in Carmel, home of the famous Lone Cypress. The drive was ok, but it was pretty overcast so it wasn't at its best. The Lone Cypress was a little less impressive than I expected, I mean, there are literally hundreds of other Cypress trees all along the drive, this one just happens to be anti-social. But some of the views were beautiful and we got to see the famous Pebble Beach golf course.

Waves on the rocks

The Lone Cypress

Ghost tree (not quite as white as advertised)

The coast would not disappoint though. We continued the drive and the sun came out we really got to see what all the hype about the Pacific Coast Highway is all about. There are turnoffs about every half mile for ocean oglers and we probably stopped at the third of them. Every turn was a new breathtaking sight. Despite the length of the drive, I highly recommend it.

We stopped for dinner in Santa Barbara and got "home" late that evening. A long day, but totally worth it.

Next, we wrap up the trip with surfing and San Diego.

California Adventure – Part 3: Yosemite

This June, AJ and I had the opportunity to take our first trip together since before Kai was born so we decided to go big and do 2 weeks in California! We planned a jam-packed trip that would let us see nearly everything Cali has to offer - the road trip of a lifetime. If you missed it, you can check out Part 2: Orange County & Los Angeles here.

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We departed Orange County for our first of two extra long driving days, about 10 hours. We did take an extended break for lunch at Red Robin and a visit to Target. After LA, we went through some mountains and then suddenly everything went flat and it became a rather boring drive until finally we hit the mountains again.

We stopped for dinner at the closest town to our hostel, not knowing if there would be anything closer. Our hostel surprised us, however. There was a great little dining hall with a little cafe/restaurant, lots of seating, a shelf full of games and, maybe best of all, free Wi-Fi. Our dorm itself was co-ed with 12 beds, air conditioning, 2 toilets and 2 showers. Not bad at all.

Early the next morning, we got up and headed deeper into the park. This was a spectacular drive.

Originally, we (AJ) had wanted to hike Half Dome - a 10-12 hour hike, ending in scaling a huge rock face. But it requires a permit and hundreds of people apply for a small number of permits each day. So we went into the village and decided to hike the 4-Mile trail, which is supposed to end in spectacular vistas of Half Dome and other mountains. We started the climb, up, up, up through a forest that could have been in Ontario. It was a tough climb and not all that interesting. We weren't sure we could do 6 hours of that just to see the sight at the end, so we went back down and chose the "Mist Trail" - a 4-5 hour hike that had lots to see all along the trail.

Like all of them, it was an uphill climb and it was tough. But we stopped when we needed to and saw some beautiful, smaller waterfalls along the way. The first break was at the bottom of Vernal Falls, a pretty bridge and lots of people. Many families take this trail and stop at this point. But we climbed on.

At the bottom of the falls

After a little while, it was time to really climb–over 600 stairs carved into the stone. Uneven and tough to climb, but there were fewer people here and the view... part way up we saw this:

then this...

Vernal Falls, Yosemite

That view and the mist refreshed us enough to get all the way up the wet stairs to the top of the falls where we stopped for lunch and a climbing break.

I did it!

View from the top

The way down was much easier...for me anyway. AJ had no trouble going up, but found it painful to his knees to go down. Whereas I had trouble catching my breath on my way up, but the way down was no problem. Opposites. We could have continued up to the next set of falls, another 1.5 miles away, which doesn't sound bad, but a mile uphill, I learned, is very different than a mile walk on flat land. We were not up for it.

Since we did a bit shorter hike, we were back down earlier than expected so we did another quick and much flatter hike to see Yosemite Falls.

Yosemite Falls

I think the cool thing about this park is that they've got something for everyone. There's a campground or a hotel, there's insane rock climbing and lengthy hikes and short flatter ones that are still amazing. I would definitely recommend it. I am also kind of glad we didn't get the Half Dome permits, I don't think I could have made it.

Next, follow us West to San Francisco and then down the coast.