40 by 40 - Coach Kai's sports team

I've had a bit of a hiatus with my bucket list what with having a baby and I. Actually, having a second baby would have been at the very top of my bucket list, but with all the trouble we had getting pregnant the second time around, I was afraid to even put it on the list. But he's here now and I'm ready to knock some items off this list.

We put Kai in soccer this summer - not just Playball where they learn drills, but real (ish) games. I mean, it was 12 teams of 3-5 year olds, so there were kids that chased the ball and kids that ate grass. Kai was kind of in between. He LOVED playing goalie (and was really great at it), but we challenged him to go out and play too (the whole point is to use up his nearly endless energy). At first he just cried every time the ball got taken away from him, but by the end of the year, he was right in there and having a great time.

The coach of the team didn't exist. I think the league just assigned one of the parents but no one seemed to know who it was. So the parents just kind of took turns taking lead on the practise that happened during the first half hour of the night, and more often than not, that fell on me because I actually went in and played instead of watching them.

I'm not a soccer person. I subbed a couple times for a friend a couple years ago, but otherwise, I've always been into baseball. But working with Kai and the kids and running around with them was fun.

So, I wasn't exactly the official coach, but I did get the free coach's pizza at the end of the year so I think it counts. And I may even sign up to be the official coach next year.

Dallas' Birth Story

If you read my last couple blog posts, you know the road to Baby #2 wasn't an easy one, but he's here and I couldn't be happier. Dallas is 7 weeks old now and pregnancy memories are already fading, so I wanted to put my birth story into words now before those moments dim too. (And I honestly believe they dim because God made us that way...otherwise, very few people would have more than 1 child!)

When I started to go to my OB at 32 weeks, we discussed the idea of me being induced early, around 37 or 38 weeks because I was pretty much destined to have another big baby (Kyler was 11lbs 1oz) and because of the hemorrhaging I experience with my first birth. We didn't want my body to go through that again.

As I got closer, around 36 weeks, I decided I wanted to give the little guy a chance to come on his own as I think that's the healthiest for both of us if it's possible. So I wanted to wait to induce until 38 weeks. My doctor agreed.

We got to 38 weeks, I had my appointment and my doctor did a stretch & sweep but didn't mention inducing me and I didn't ask. In hindsight, I should have, but I really did want to go into labour naturally and figured 39 weeks was ok. At 39 weeks, after another stretch & sweep, he still didn't mention it, but I stopped him and asked, getting concerned now. He said they couldn't do it yet because I wasn't eligible - I was healthy, the baby was healthy and he thought this baby wasn't as big anyway, maybe 8lbs or so, which seems like nothing after an 11lb baby. So I trusted him and waited to go to term.

At 40 weeks, I was more than done with the pregnancy. I had finished work early because I had planned on being induced early and now I was just sitting around, feeling huge and worried that there would be big baby complications. My doctor informed me that we wouldn't be inducing until at least 41 weeks. I was annoyed to say the least, but I couldn't force him to do it so I went home to wait, feeling stressed.

Another issue with this is that AJ was starting a new job with a start date of a week after my due date that sent him out of town for a full week. This should have been fine and given us a couple weeks together after I was induced early, but as the days went by, it was looking more and more like he'd be leaving for a week only a couple days after our baby's birth and that stressed me out more than anything.

I went to the hospital every couple days for a Nonstress Test and a stretch & sweep and that baby just wasn't moving. Finally, 5 days after my due date, I had another appointment with my doctor at the hospital and told him we needed to pick an induction date and I wasn't leaving without one.

At this point, we had bumped AJ's start date to the next Thursday, giving us a week together at best. My doctor offered the following Wednesday as the date. Not only was that 1 day before AJ HAD to go to his new job, it was at 42 weeks in my pregnancy and this was no longer a small baby, I was sure. I was told later that the look I gave him at that news was probably nearly enough to kill him. But he left my little cubicle and what was I supposed to do? I was already trying all the old wives' tales to induce and nothing was working. I was pretty distraught.

About a minute later, as we were getting ready to go, he came back. He told us that it was a slow morning in the hospital's delivery centre and would I like to be induced now? Um...yes, yes I would.

So suddenly, I was admitted and gowned and given a delivery room and we had a lot of calls to make. We got Kai a place to stay and my mom to come and help with delivery. After such a long wait, it was all moving fast.

I was admitted around 10, had my water broken at noon, walked around for a couple hours and was given an IV of labour-inducing drugs around 3. That got things moving pretty quickly. At 4, the pain was still manageable, but my nurse suggested I request the epidural now if I wanted to ensure I got it and by the time it came, I was definitely needing it.

They measured me around 3cm at 6pm and the next time they measured, about an hour later, I was at 10cm and he was on his way.

Dallas Jarett Martin was born on May 28 at 8:45pm after about 5 hours of labour and 30 minutes of pushing (compared to 22 hours of labour and 3 hours of pushing with Kyler). He was 11lbs. 5oz. - probably big enough to have induced early, huh doc? But he was here and none of that mattered anymore. I had no complications and neither did Dallas and that's all I wanted.

We had some family visitors that night and Kyler stayed up late to meet him which was a pretty amazing moment. I spent 2 days in the hospital and felt so much more comfortable overall, physically and emotionally after having been through this once before. AJ got to spend a whole week with us before leaving for work and I survived being on my own with 2 kids.

Since everyone asks, I can't say for sure if we're done having kids (never say never, right?), but I'd say we're 90% sure we're happy with two. AJ got his two boys, I got a sibling for Kai, they're happy and healthy, they don't outnumber us, and I wouldn't mind never being pregnant again.

And anyway, doesn't this look like a pretty perfect family?

The Journey to Baby #2 – Part 2: Through the darkness and to the other side

After the miscarriage, it was a few months before I was ready to try again for Baby #2. I know this isn't everyone's experience, but I feel like I was able to move on pretty quickly. I think there are a few reasons: like I mentioned last time, I never really "felt pregnant", I loved the baby certainly, but I didn't feel that connected like I did with Kai. I also spent most of the day on that awful Saturday coming to terms with what was going to happen. And I was hopeful. The first two pregnancies had come relatively easily and I was still within my age plan for the whole thing. (everyone who has had a baby rolls their eyes at the idea of a plan for anything baby related)

Before I move on from the miscarriage I just want to note how little I knew about miscarriages before this. No one talks about them. For me, they had a stigma of someone with pregnancy problems, that they were uncommon. I haven't shared openly about my experience until now, but I did tell a fair number of close friends and, to my surprise, dozens of them shared their own miscarriage stories. I had no idea. It's common, really common. And not just for first pregnancies, as I found out. And it doesn't necessarily mean there will be a problem with the next pregnancy. In fact, doctors don't even blink about a miscarriage until you've had about 3.

That being said, I'm thankful that I hadn't gone and shared our pregnancy news with the world. At 11 weeks, it happened fairly late for me, but I think having to retract that kind of news would have made things that much harder.

Moving on to what came next. 

By October, I was ready to try again. When there was nothing happening after a couple months, I started to panic a little. Kai was going to be over 3 by the time we had the next one, if we ever did. I had a couple tests done, just to make sure the miscarriage hadn't caused any problems and everything was clear. The doctor just said that it can take up to a year even in the most healthy people. That didn't make me feel a whole lot better.

I started going to a naturopath and trying some natural solutions to help with ovulation, etc. I got an app on my phone to track everything. I bought ovulation tests in bulk and eventually pregnancy tests in bulk too. My once predictable cycle had gone a bit crazy and there was no pattern, so I was relying on testing.

Over the months that followed, I became increasingly stressed and less and less hopeful that this was going to happen. Throw in a pretty stressful move to a new town and I was a mess. I was exhausted and easily agitated and thinking of nothing else. Poor Kai probably got in trouble more times than he deserved and AJ, once again, wanted so badly to help, but couldn't.

It was not a good time for me. Feeling that way is awful, but worse is knowing how you're treating your family and not being able to stop yourself. They were so patient with me when I didn't deserve it and I will forever be thankful for how well AJ stuck by me. I had a couple good friends too who I would go to. One in particular who had had her own struggle with conception. Having a woman to talk to, who understood and could even voice my frustration and sadness was so helpful. She was able to give me something that AJ couldn't and I think he was grateful for that too.

After 10 months of nothing happening, my doctor sent me to an OB to see if there was something he could try. He gave me the same line - everything seems healthy and it hasn't quite been a year, which is not uncommon, even for the most healthy people. But he did suggest a medication that I could try that helps stimulate ovulation. I was willing to try.

I started the medication the next day, along with continuing naturopathic remedies and acupuncture.

6 weeks or so later, I finally got what I had been praying/hoping/wishing for for almost 11 months: 2 pink lines.

I didn't even both trying to make a surprise of it - I walked like a zombie into the kitchen where AJ was making Kai's breakfast, hands shaking and showed him the test. He didn't quite understand at first - is two lines good? After all, he hadn't taken dozens of tests over the past year. Wide-eyed, I told him it was good and he gave me the biggest hug and I could feel some of the anxiety melting away.

It didn't quite end that day of course. I took several more pregnancy tests that week and the next, just to be sure. I was constantly on alert for something to feel wrong or off. I was excited, but tentative. 

We told our parents at 8-weeks. AJ was leaving for school for a month in November and I needed the support. My mom cried, knowing what I had gone through to get there.

At 11-weeks I was still holding my breath, but feeling a bit better, knowing I had made it past that milestone.

My doctor was kind and booked a dating ultrasound even though I knew the date basically to the second thanks to my compulsive tracking. But seeing that ultrasound at 12 weeks - the little peanut baby moving around with a heartbeat did so much to ease my mind. As did every doctor's appointment listening to the heartbeat and especially the 20-week ultrasound.

Now, at just over 7 months, I'm feeling much less tentative. I don't think I'll stop worrying until I hold this baby boy in my arms, but every time I feel those kicks and tosses and turns (as uncomfortable as they make me sometimes), it's a reminder of what I've come through and how thankful I am that God has given us this second child. Every sciatic nerve spasm and moment of nausea is a blessing. Only 7 more weeks to go!

Unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, for me, was infinitely harder than a miscarriage, or delivering an 11 pound baby. It wrecked me emotionally and physically and relationally. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

I understand now how obnoxious it must have been to some people for me to say how easy it was to get pregnant with Kai. Every friend and acquaintance who posted a pregnancy announcement on Facebook during that year was like a knife in my heart. Several close friends and family members had babies and I had trouble being happy for them, much less snuggling their little ones. But I'm on the other side, and I know this joy I've finally received doesn't happen for everyone. I know plenty of people that have been trying for years and are still trying. Because of my experience, I can now empathize and be that friend who knows the words someone going through miscarriage or infertility needs to hear. And I think I'll do a better job and enjoying every moment with the new baby having taken a harder road to get there.

So my advice to anyone going through something similar - talk to someone. It doesn't need to be everyone - most people won't know what to say - but someone who has gone through it and come to a place where they've found hope again. Don't blame yourself. Give yourself permission to mourn every month, but don't wallow too long. Don't miss the life you have while you're dreaming about the one you want.

The Journey to Baby #2 – Part 1: Joy & Loss

When we got pregnant with Kai, it was very planned. This will come as a surprise to no one who knows me. When AJ and I got married, we knew we wanted to enjoy a few years just as a couple before having kids. We waited 5 and it was great. I was ready to expand our family before AJ was, but I was young enough to not mind being patient. When AJ said he was ready too, we were pregnant within a month. It was so easy. I had a good pregnancy and we had a wonderful healthy baby.

We knew we wanted Kai to have a sibling, but wanted to wait a couple more years so Kai could be a bit more independent by the time a sibling came around. Having #2 when Kai was around 2.5-3 years old seemed ideal.

Everything went so well with the first pregnancy, I made my plans without even considering the possibility that they wouldn't work out. I knew it might not happen the first month again, but within 3 I was sure.

When we decided we were ready, surprise, I was pregnant within a month again. I was ecstatic. A February-March baby spread out our birthdays nicely throughout the year. I even managed to hold off telling AJ until I could order a Dallas Stars bib to surprise him.

We decided to still hold out until the 12-week mark to tell family and friends, although we did share with 1 or 2 people.

My pregnancy always seemed a bit strange to me. I was missing some feeling that I still can't express. I just didn't feel pregnant. But I just figured, it's #2, things are going to be different.

At 11 weeks, my world changed.

I had been having a bit of spotting for a week or two, but it wasn't much and, from everything I read, it was perfectly normal. Then, one Saturday, it got worse. AJ was out that day and I kept the problem to myself, thinking it would get better. I told AJ about it when I got home, and a couple hours later, I knew without a doubt that something was wrong. Really wrong.

We called a friend who knew about the pregnancy to come and watch Kai so we could go to the hospital and he came immediately and without questions. He told me later that he could tell by my face that it was going to be bad news. I knew it too. I tried to be hopeful, but I just knew.

**TMI warning** At the hospital, I bled through all my protection and the pants I was wearing. When the nurse found out, they brought me into a room right away (we had been waiting a couple hours already). I remember asking if there was any point in hoping for good news. The nurse didn't answer.

They kept me for a few hours with nurses checking in every so often. It wasn't getting any better, but I kept my brave face. The doctor finally came in and did an invasive ultrasound, at which point the official miscarriage happened. He explained what I already knew, told me how sorry he was and left. The kind nurse stayed behind and held me for a few minutes while I cried, told me it was ok to mourn, that it was nothing I did wrong, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. She also said that often, miscarriages happen because there was a problem with the baby from the start. (this part, I don't find comforting, but I wasn't in a place to really question her on it)

I cried on AJ's shoulder for awhile too. I know he was sad for the loss, but I think he was even sadder for how broken it made me. I think it must be really hard to be the guy - all he wants to do is fix it and he's helpless. But he did the right thing - he held me, let me get all the tears out and told me we'd get through it.

We did, but it was a harder journey than I expected.

Part 2 is here.

40 by 40: Get Bangs

I've thought about getting bangs for many years now but was never ready to take the plunge. Mostly I was worried that they would never sit right and didn't want to have to keep up maintenance.

I got a haircut the day AJ came home from 3 weeks in Texas and decided it was time.

I'm happy with the result and have found it easier than I expected to get them to sit the way I want, but they are still definitely more work. They're growing out pretty quickly and I've decided I probably won't trim them. I tried it and enjoy it but I think I'm happier with long hair all around. Glad I finally tried it.