Thursday, April 2, 2015

The Journey to Baby #2 – Part 1: Joy & Loss

When we got pregnant with Kai, it was very planned. This will come as a surprise to no one who knows me. When AJ and I got married, we knew we wanted to enjoy a few years just as a couple before having kids. We waited 5 and it was great. I was ready to expand our family before AJ was, but I was young enough to not mind being patient. When AJ said he was ready too, we were pregnant within a month. It was so easy. I had a good pregnancy and we had a wonderful healthy baby.

We knew we wanted Kai to have a sibling, but wanted to wait a couple more years so Kai could be a bit more independent by the time a sibling came around. Having #2 when Kai was around 2.5-3 years old seemed ideal.

Everything went so well with the first pregnancy, I made my plans without even considering the possibility that they wouldn't work out. I knew it might not happen the first month again, but within 3 I was sure.

When we decided we were ready, surprise, I was pregnant within a month again. I was ecstatic. A February-March baby spread out our birthdays nicely throughout the year. I even managed to hold off telling AJ until I could order a Dallas Stars bib to surprise him.

We decided to still hold out until the 12-week mark to tell family and friends, although we did share with 1 or 2 people.

My pregnancy always seemed a bit strange to me. I was missing some feeling that I still can't express. I just didn't feel pregnant. But I just figured, it's #2, things are going to be different.

At 11 weeks, my world changed.

I had been having a bit of spotting for a week or two, but it wasn't much and, from everything I read, it was perfectly normal. Then, one Saturday, it got worse. AJ was out that day and I kept the problem to myself, thinking it would get better. I told AJ about it when I got home, and a couple hours later, I knew without a doubt that something was wrong. Really wrong.

We called a friend who knew about the pregnancy to come and watch Kai so we could go to the hospital and he came immediately and without questions. He told me later that he could tell by my face that it was going to be bad news. I knew it too. I tried to be hopeful, but I just knew.

**TMI warning** At the hospital, I bled through all my protection and the pants I was wearing. When the nurse found out, they brought me into a room right away (we had been waiting a couple hours already). I remember asking if there was any point in hoping for good news. The nurse didn't answer.

They kept me for a few hours with nurses checking in every so often. It wasn't getting any better, but I kept my brave face. The doctor finally came in and did an invasive ultrasound, at which point the official miscarriage happened. He explained what I already knew, told me how sorry he was and left. The kind nurse stayed behind and held me for a few minutes while I cried, told me it was ok to mourn, that it was nothing I did wrong, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. She also said that often, miscarriages happen because there was a problem with the baby from the start. (this part, I don't find comforting, but I wasn't in a place to really question her on it)

I cried on AJ's shoulder for awhile too. I know he was sad for the loss, but I think he was even sadder for how broken it made me. I think it must be really hard to be the guy - all he wants to do is fix it and he's helpless. But he did the right thing - he held me, let me get all the tears out and told me we'd get through it.

We did, but it was a harder journey than I expected.


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